Songs

I think my life right now can be summed up by these lines from 3 songs:

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes...I've become so numb I can't feel you there. Become so tired so much more aware. I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you" (Numb, Linkin Park)

"...And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do..." (Cinderella, Steven Curtis Chapman)

"I don’t wanna go through the motions, I don’t wanna go one more day, without Your all consuming passion inside of me" (The Motions, Matthew West)

I feel numb. I feel smothered. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Maybe it's my fault for taking on so many activities. I don't HAVE to maintain good grades, be in Key Club, play clarinet, or play golf. But I do. And I think it's getting to me. I'm constantly tired and constantly sad. It bothers me ALOT when things go wrong. Especially in Key Club. It feels like it's up to me to fix everything, and it seems like everyone is counting on me to do it. What I want clashes with what they want.

I don't feel anything nowadays. It's like my brain is out of sync with my body and reality. I don't get excited when something good happens and I don't feel sad when a friend tells me her troubles. I don't feel like praying or reading the Bible; I feel far away from God. In fact, I feel far away from everybody. Lonely. It's at these times that I wish I had a best friend. Someone to lean on. Someone to pray together with. Someone I can trust to drop everything she's doing to help me feel better. I don't want to burden those who don't care about me with my negativity. I want someone who doesn't view my negativity as a burden.

Note: Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. I can smile. I can laugh. I forget my troubles when I'm having fun with my friends. Life is just weird lately. I can be laughing one moment and feeling empty the next. Sometimes my smiles are true, sometimes they're forced to make sure no one worries about me. I think I'm just weird.